By Lee D Preston
Do you really want to hear my story? Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and it will not be something that others want to hear. All I know is that I can’t be the only one out here who felt this way and I want others to find hope. Hope for what? Well, even though I was hurt, broken, and screwed up as a kid, I have come to know that God is my hope and my future. He has the plans for me that He has always had. He does not change and so if you hear my story and then you find that you relate, then maybe you can also relate to a God who knows you and who knew you even before you knew yourself. I pray that for my kids – that they will know the God that knows them even though they are still finding out who they are. Please Lord remind them of who you see them to be! Remind those who are reading this that you have always known them… they are fully known by you if not by anyone else.
You’re a fag! You’re a sissy! You’re weird! These words rang in my head, over and over as I was growing up. My childhood was wrought with painful words and others looking at me differently because I was oftentimes “one of the girls”. I hung around with my two best friends, two girls and this caused me to be labeled as “one of the girls, a sissy, a fag, etc. I get it, it is odd and doesn’t seem to fit. Other guys didn’t understand why this one guy seemed to “want” to do girl things. My hurts and pain caused me to feel that I did not “fit in”. I grew up thinking that I could never fit in… I was not really the same guy as I saw others be around me. I was different, broken, and not quite right.
Do you really want to hear my story? Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and it will not be something that others want to hear. All I know is that I can’t be the only one out here who felt this way and I want others to find hope. Hope for what? Well, even though I was hurt, broken, and screwed up as a kid, I have come to know that God is my hope and my future. He has the plans for me that He has always had. He does not change and so if you hear my story and then you find that you relate, then maybe you can also relate to a God who knows you and who knew you even before you knew yourself. I pray that for my kids – that they will know the God that knows them even though they are still finding out who they are. Please Lord remind them of who you see them to be! Remind those who are reading this that you have always known them… they are fully known by you if not by anyone else.
You’re a fag! You’re a sissy! You’re weird! These words rang in my head, over and over as I was growing up. My childhood was wrought with painful words and others looking at me differently because I was oftentimes “one of the girls”. I hung around with my two best friends, two girls and this caused me to be labeled as “one of the girls, a sissy, a fag, etc. I get it, it is odd and doesn’t seem to fit. Other guys didn’t understand why this one guy seemed to “want” to do girl things. My hurts and pain caused me to feel that I did not “fit in”. I grew up thinking that I could never fit in… I was not really the same guy as I saw others be around me. I was different, broken, and not quite right.
I did not get it as a child, but I began to realize in my mid 30s that God knew my pain. The recipe for brokenness is hurt +lies+silence=death. Maybe not death of the physical body, but a death of the true self that leads to further pain and hurt that cements lies into a young boy’s heart. He begins to believe things about himself, his family, those around him, and especially his God! The hurts grow so deeply and the pain so intense that he begins to find whatever he can to numb the pain. He also grows more and more isolated, maybe not on the outside, but inside he closes over the doors of his heart with thick, cement walls that no one can get through. God becomes someone that may be ok for others, but not for him. This was my thinking…. It might also be yours.
I can only tell you my story… one of loss yet of great performance. I was so lost as a kid, but still very capable of trying to appear okay on the outside. You see, most people don’t really know how to handle someone in great pain and desperation. They are uncomfortable and just want it to “stop”. So, what I learned to do is ache on the inside yet perform on the outside. Many don’t really know how to see through our shell to the inside of our hurt. So, I learned to perform well, hurt silently, and find things that would soothe my pain. When we don’t know how to handle pain, we tend to just offer a quick quote or quip that says, “Get over it, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on…”
Just remember God never says… “Get over it”. He never says to act better on the outside, He always says, “Come sit with me, let’s talk, and let me tell you what I see in you.” Just remember the pain cannot be improved by ignoring it, it can only subside when the Great Healer begins to show you the truth of who you are. I hope you find hope in my story, I did.
I can only tell you my story… one of loss yet of great performance. I was so lost as a kid, but still very capable of trying to appear okay on the outside. You see, most people don’t really know how to handle someone in great pain and desperation. They are uncomfortable and just want it to “stop”. So, what I learned to do is ache on the inside yet perform on the outside. Many don’t really know how to see through our shell to the inside of our hurt. So, I learned to perform well, hurt silently, and find things that would soothe my pain. When we don’t know how to handle pain, we tend to just offer a quick quote or quip that says, “Get over it, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on…”
Just remember God never says… “Get over it”. He never says to act better on the outside, He always says, “Come sit with me, let’s talk, and let me tell you what I see in you.” Just remember the pain cannot be improved by ignoring it, it can only subside when the Great Healer begins to show you the truth of who you are. I hope you find hope in my story, I did.
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