Can my marriage be saved?

Yes, it will take work and being stretched to places that you may have never been before, but remember, God did not make your husband gay, or same-sex attracted. God sees homosexuality as a sin and something that can be overcome, just like any other sin. Our society ranks sin, God does not. He sees your husband as the man of God that he is intended to be. It takes a commitment on both of your parts to remain faithful to the covenant of marriage and faithful to God. After all, God allowed you two to get married, He entered the covenant with you, He will help you overcome this sin. If you are committed and yet, your husband continues to cheat on you physically with other men, then that will have to be dealt with. Allow God to show you His will in that situation.

I can’t compete with another man… if it were another woman I might be able to at least fight for my husband!

This sin is not about sex with a man vs. sex with a woman. I know this sounds crazy, but it is really about purity in general. Your husband has hurts in his heart that cause him to be attracted to men sexually. He most likely missed the connection/bonding with a strong male figure in his life, like his dad, and now he seeks it sexually with other men. You don’t have to compete with that… your relationship with him is not meant to be about bonding with other men. So get out of the competition and try to focus upon purity for your husband in general. I have worked with men who struggle with sexual addiction, both homosexual and heterosexual, and there is only a small degree of separation between them. The goal is for your husband to have good relationships with God, men, and to hold you up as the help meet in your life… his wife. Seeking purity is the goal, then the other relationships will fall into place. 

 I believe that it is important to discuss sexual abuse in relation to sexual addiction, homosexuality, and belief that one is “gay”. Many times I talk to men who say they were never sexually abused, but then as I discuss with them there sexual experiences they begin to disclose times when they were “touched” or “fondled” when they were a child. Now, I have to define this clearly, this is abuse. If you were a child and someone even slightly older than you touched your penis, or fondled you then you may have experienced abuse. Many men look back over their lives and remember times when an older cousin or a peer asked to touch their private areas or to see them and say, “Well that is just normal curiosity.” This may be true if it is a one time thing with children of similar age that does not lead to mouth/genital contact or rubbing/fondling genital contact. Both of these activities are not “normal curiosity” and can lead to opening sexual doors at a very young age that were not meant to be open. I remember a client who told me that an older neighborhood boy masturbated in front of him and then asked him to touch his penis. The client told me that he thought this was normal exploration. However, this opened a door for him in his sexuality that was not closed and opened wider and wider as he began further experimentation with this boy. Being attracted to the same sex can be a result of being “touched” early on by a friend or family member and beginning that process of being sexual with another person. This is especially true if this was an adult with a child. This tends to cause conflicting sexual feelings and fear at the same time.

If your husband struggles with homosexual feelings and same sex attraction, it may feel as if he is your friend, not your lover. One wife told me that she felt her husband was “more like her brother than a husband.” This can be scary because it begins to feel to the wife that she is not desirable and that it must be something about her. The truth is that it is not about you, it is about his fear of intimacy with women because of the “over connection” with his mother or female friends in his life during childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, etc. See, if your husband struggles with attraction to other men, he may have become “one of the girls” when he was growing up. This is not an insult to him, it is just a fact. When a boy’s primary caregiver is only his mother, when his primary support system is girls, then he begins to identify with them only. This causes a feeling of awkwardness or rejection when even thinking about being “sexual with a girl”. Many men who struggle have mentioned, “I could not have sex with a woman… it would be like having sex with my sister!”

This can be overcome however. It takes patience on both the part of the husband and the wife and it takes courage for both as well. Patience to be willing to wait as your husband explores his sexuality with a woman and begins to explore how he feels and how he is supposed to feel, and courage for both of you because… well, for you husband you are going to have to press into your wife and venture into sex with a female that may feel uncomfortable to you at times. This will take significant prayer and perseverance. Don’t down yourself if you fail at times or don’t attain what you think you should each time; you will! Wives, it will take courage on your part to overcome your feelings of being “undesirable” and acknowledge that this is your husband’s issue. However, your feelings are real and should be acknowledged. Also, you will need courage wives to not let your husband off the hook! Keep discussing with him the need to press into you and let him know what you need. Guys, this does not always feel good, in fact, at times it feels downright awful because you feel like a failure, but wives, keep talking about it and letting him know. Pray often and give grace as needed. God has a master plan for your sex life and for your marriage. Don’t let same-sex attraction or “homosexuality” get in the way of a potentially great relationship that will definitely take work!

Well guys, if you struggle with same-sex attraction you probably have experimented with fantasy, porn, masturbation, and even acting out anonymously and, unfortunately have a full blown addiction by now. You have tried to stop, made all kinds of promises to yourself, or to your wife (if she knows) and you keep failing. You feel shameful, angry at yourself, angry at God, and ready to either throw in the towel or something even more desperate. Please don’t give up hope… you need help. Addiction thrives in the dark, when kept secret. Even if you have told your wife, you probably have begged her to not tell anyone else and she now is also suffering in silence. You must make a step to tell someone, either a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. There are some things to look for in the person you seek:

1. Talk to someone who you feel will not judge your sin. Judgement does not help, grace does.
2. Try and find a counselor or pastor to talk with who has some experience in this area. I was told many times to “pray more” or “read your Bible more” and these are great things, but I needed someone who could understand my situation and give me the help I needed.
3. Get into an accountability group. This is a group of guys that you can tell about your struggle/addiction. You don’t have to tell them you have same-sex attraction right away. Test the group and see how you think they would handle it. For the first few times telling them you want accountability for masturbation, porn, sexually acting out are all okay and truthful.

Are you struggling with same-sex attraction?  Do you question whether you were born gay or not? Are you angry at God for allowing you to have these feelings towards other men?

These are just some of the questions that may come up in your mind on your journey in or out of homosexuality. Homosexuality is a choice, but before you leave this site, never to return, I want to add, that it does not feel like a choice. Feeling gay is one of the most difficult struggles in our society, our world today. On one hand, you may want to honor God’s standard for relationships and be married to a woman one day, have a family, enjoy intimacy with a woman and have a “normal” life. However, on the other hand, there is a constant struggle to not look at another man in lust, or a struggle not to visit the local park, bathroom, or bar to find anonymous sex or a one night stand. This struggle can lead to despair, lack of hope, and incredible frustration. It may even lead to a decision to make a choice… because it is too hard not to.  This choice may be “I must have been born gay” or “Well, God must have made me this way”, simply because the fight to find the freedom that God has in store for you just becomes too hard.

There is hope!

Even though the struggle is a hard one, the truth is that you can find freedom. When you realize the things you are losing in homosexuality, the truth about your identity, the identity that God gave you, not to mention God’s best, then the struggle lessens. The unfortunate lie about being gay, is that it is based upon a recipe of lust, rejection, abandonment, and idolatry. This combination leads a man down a road of promiscuity, anonymity, loneliness, and hopelessness because what he is looking for is love, security, and commitment, something that will never be found in the gay lifestyle.