By Lee D. Preston

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

               Friday, we had a retreat coming out to the Agape Dome. If you have been to the Agape Dome then you understand, if not then to help explain, it is our home but it also sleeps 29 people and was built to be a beacon for folks to come who need healing and hope. We love the place and have seen people find real healing here. Oh, it is just wood, stone, and furnishings, but I believe that God has blessed the place with His peace and He has put us here for a reason.

               Anyway, we had a great group of teens and college age folks coming out to offer a work day for us in exchange for a retreat. We offered food, lodging, swimming, and love and they offered to do some light work around the property. It is a great exchange. And, what more do young people want after a half-day of work outside? Swimming of course! The carrot that was held out for them was this, “You all work hard in the September, Texas heat and we will feed you well and offer you cool, clear water to jump into after a hard few hours of work. Wouldn’t you know that Friday morning, we woke to a pool with a pretty heavy “green tinge”!? We had a light rain a day or so prior and it always creates havoc to a delicately balanced pool. I was devastated, lost, and well, discouraged. You know those times when it seems like just one more thing can tip the scales of your faith? Well, this was that one thing that tipped my scale. I felt completely alone, completely defeated, and well, ready to throw in the towel (no pun intended). All over what? Pool water….

There they lay…2500 puzzle pieces.  A completed picture just waiting to be put together.  So, where do you start when beginning to put the pieces of a puzzle together?  Some folks may decide to begin with the framework…the outer edges.  Others may start sorting them out by color, design or maybe even sorting them by shape.  It doesn't really matter the plan on how to begin...the end result is really the only thing that counts.

These scattered puzzle pieces came to my mind as I began to think about what to write for this article.  Knowing that I would be writing a bit about my past caused my mind to picture a table filled with scattered puzzle pieces.  Various shapes, sizes, and colors, all had their own meaning and also each had their place in my life. Some brought joyful and happy memories, while some caused the pain of the past to come swiftly into focus.

Facing life's challenges, no matter how large or small, is contingent on one thing - our understanding of just how much our God loves us. There are so many different discussions regarding bad things happening to us in this world. Some believe God allows it, some say God is testing us, maybe God has merely set this world in motion standing back and watching as life unfolds, or maybe bad things just happen in this world. There may be some truth in all of these, but regardless of the origin, hurt hurts, trouble troubles, and pain is painful. It doesn't change the experience and it does not change the results of our circumstances.

Well, it is raining here today in San Antonio, Texas and I feel the need to write about fair weather…you know the phrase “The weather today will be fair and partly cloudy.” That’s the way we like it right? Fair, no rain, not too hot, not too cold, a few clouds, but mostly we like it just right. In my life today, my God became my fair weather friend and I realized that I did not like it, although I do it all the time. I don’t understand why the Creator of this universe, my Creator, my Father, my Dad, can lose my trust, my unconditional love, my hope just because the weather starts to turn. Oh, I don’t mean that the rain caused me to doubt my “heavenly dad”, I mean the weather of my life, the rain of disappointment, the flurries of doubt, the rays of rejection, the pounding hailstones of unmet expectations; all of these work together to remove the trust that I have in my God and cause me to turn and run from Him, angry, hurt, and pouting because He has not met my expectations today.

I think that the fear of failure is one of the biggies for men. I mean, even the word, fail-ure slides downhill, like your heading for something bad. We don’t read the instructions, we won’t ask for directions, we don’t dare ask for help to fix the garbage disposal. What is it about men and failure? Why is it that failure is so hard and admitting it can be even harder. For me, failure reminds me of the words my Dad used to tell me in frustration when he and I would be working on something together, “Never mind, I’ll do it.” It is like you don’t even get a second chance to succeed. You may have heard similar words from your father or someone significant in your life. Even as I am writing I am feeling that nervousness in the pit of my stomach reminding me that “you better do it right or he isn’t even going to give you the chance to do it at all.”

The need to control runs deep in my veins. Simple tasks get turned into arguments and frustration as I attempt to grasp on to any fragments of security that so easily seem to slip through my fingers. Why do I have to be in control in the first place? Well, I have thought about this many times and have realized that although, I don’t like to admit it, I like having my way. Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg regarding the need to control, but it is an important piece. The need to have my way seems to have its roots deeply intertwined in selfishness and perfectionism. Okay, you may be saying… Hey Lee, we already know this – what are you really trying to say?” Well, I guess as I began to see my need to control, I realized that it's not just a ravenous appetite for power over others and situations, it seems to be rooted in hurt and fear.

El Shaddai! That is one of the name’s of God but what does it mean. He is the God of the Supernatural! When Moses passed through the Red Sea on dry ground, that was El Shaddai that did that. When Balaam’s donkey spoke to him to warn him of the Angel of the Lord, El Shaddai did that. El Shaddai is a name given to the attribute of God that speaks of His supernatural power. The power that cannot be challenged and is not challenged by the boundaries of the natural world.

Have you ever known an “elbow rubber”? Someone who seeks the praise of men… not the praise of just any man (or woman) but the praise of men and women who can “get you somewhere”. They ride the coattails of others, they seek those in life because they see an advantage. I think we all know someone like that. I am not here to down or degrade that kind of person, I am only looking to help us all understand more about seeking the praise of men. The praise of men means that we care what others think about us. It also means that we might ignore the person in rags on the front row, yet offer all of our attention to those who come in looking “shiny”.

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and we were discussing “quiet times”… You know those things that churchy people have determined that everyone must have to be able to form a relationship with God. He was relaying to me the notion that he feels very guilty and like a failure when he does not get up in the morning to have his quiet time with his Lord.  You know, something struck me as he was talking… Wow, if I had a best friend and I always felt guilty because I didn’t spend enough time with him, then I would probably start feeling like I just didn’t want to be around him at all. As we were talking, I remembered feeling that same way when I was caught up in a “mandatory” quiet time. You see, I believe that Jesus is my best friend and my Father in Heaven is truly my Loving Dad! So, why would I feel “obligated” to have a “quiet time” with him? I am not sure that there is supposed to be “obligation” in love… motivation maybe, desire for sure. But obligation… duty… requirements… just doesn’t feel right to me.